Harry Potter & the Severus Snape Parody
by Fangalla Marie and Eppy the House Elf
Summary: Severitus Challenge - After reading so many stories about where Severus Snape is somehow Harry’s father, I have decided to write a parody about them. Complete.
1. Snape's Son

**Harry Potter the Severus Snape Parody**

By Fangalla Marie

**Chapter One: Snape's Son**

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me Potter," barked Professor Snape. "Don't make me repeat it."

"I don't believe it," said a bewildered Harry. "How is this even possible?"

"I'm not entirely certain myself, Potter, but Albus has informed me this morning and it appears that I am indeed your father."

"But I look just like my dad, James Potter, except for my mother's emerald green eyes that everyone loves to comment on."

Snape snorted, "You certainly strut around the castle like your father."

"So you admit that you strut in the castle?"

"You know what I meant Potter!"

Smirking Harry said, "So how is it that you're my daddy? I look nothing like you. You have sallow skin, greasy hair and crusty yellow teeth and I'm … well, I'm pretty."

"Apparently your dearly departed mother cast a protean charm on you at birth to make you resemble her husband. However, now that you have come of age, you will soon revert to your true appearance."

"You mean I'm going to look like you?"

"Yes, Potter, you will," said the Potions Master with a sneer.

"I need a drink!"

"On that we agree," Snape said and sat down and poured himself a glass of firewhiskey.

"None for me?" asked Harry.

"No, you don't get any, Potter, this is a man's drink."

"Fine," snapped Harry. "So let me get this right? You didn't have sex with my mother and yet somehow you are my father and not James Potter, as I've always thought. Now that I am almost of legal age it comes out that you are indeed my long lost parent, who just happens to be an evil greasy git of a fake Death Eater."

With smoke coming out of his nostrils from the whiskey, Snape says, "That would be correct. Though Merlin help me, I have no idea how that's possible."

Groaning, Harry sits down and says, "I suddenly feel just like Luke Skywalker."

"Who? Isn't he one of the first year Ravenclaws?"

"No, he's a character from a Muggle fiction who finds out his father is the servant of evil," Harry replied.

Then a thought crossed his mind, a very evil thought, "Daddy?"

"Don't call me that Potter!"

"Daddy," Harry repeated just to annoy Snape, "Do you think that you can talk in a very deep voice like James Earl Jones and then say 'I am your father'?"

Scowling Snape asked, "Who is James Earl Jones?"

"A Muggle actor, with a deep voice, who portrays Darth Vader, Luke's evil father."

"No, I will not! Acting like a Muggle is beneath a pureblood such as myself."

"Yes, a pureblood who managed to father a son with a Muggle born witch and never had sex with her. That's sounds kinda fishy to me. I think you're lying about the sex."

Snape scowled even deeper and took another shot of firewhiskey. "I would never lower myself to father a child on a dirty mud-blood, Potter."

"Don't you mean Harry Snape? After all you're my daddy now," Harry said innocently and then attempted to crawl up onto Snape's lap.

"Get off me Potter. I am not taking any responsibility for you and do not want to ever see you again after you graduate," snarled the potions master.

"But Daddy, I love you."

"ARRRRGH!" screamed Snape and grabbing the bottle of fire whiskey, he bolted from the room leaving Harry Potter alone.

Chuckling the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore stepped out from behind a concealed door with a pocket watch in his hand. Apparently timing the length of that conversation.

Harry smirked and held out his hand and the Headmaster placed a small bag of galleons in it.

"I really didn't think we could convince him that he was you're father, but it appears that you've driven him to drink as well. What is this ritual called again?"

"April Fools, sir," Harry replied as he pocketed the gold. "Next time I say we convince him that he fathered Hermione also."

The Headmaster laughed and the two walked down the corridor together.

To Be Continued … Please Read and Review


	2. Snape's Daughter

_Because you all asked for it, no you demanded it actually. If I were Harry you'd be in so much trouble right now._

**Chapter Two: Snape's Daughter**

"Severus?"

"What do you want?" snapped the Potions Master from his chair in front of his fire. He was holding an almost empty bottle of fire whiskey and it appeared that two others were lying on the floor at his feet, completely drained.

The Headmaster took a seat in the other chair in front of Snape's fire and quietly explained. "I've just been to see Poppy and she tells me that she can perform a paternity charm on you and our young Harry to verify the information I was given about his parentage."

"Why didn't you suggest this before?"

Professor Dumbledore sighed, "Severus, I suppose it is the failing of old age, I honestly thought that since the two of you seemed so lonely that you might actually welcome the chance to have a family with one another. I simply wanted you both to be happy."

Snape arched his greasy eye brow and sarcastically said, "If this is happiness, I wonder what misery feels like?"

"Well, if you want to take the test, come to the infirmary and Poppy will perform it for you both," the Headmaster said as he stood and then began to leave the dungeons.

x-x-x-x-x

As Severus Snape entered the infirmary he found the Headmaster and the school nurse discussing something in the corner and Harry Potter, or was it Harry Snape now, he shuddered at the thought, was standing in between his two friends chewing on his finger nails nervously.

"What if it's true?" Harry said to Hermione Granger.

"Harry, I'm sure it's not," she replied. "If it would make you feel any better Ron and I can take the test also. We could be like control subjects, so that would verify your results wouldn't it."

Harry nodded his head and gratitude as Ron slapped his best mate on the back.

"Alright then," Madame Pomfrey said as she walked towards the assembled group. "Are we all ready for this test?"

"Yes, we are," Hermione answered and continued in her bossy manner. "However, Harry wants all three of us tested to make sure the charm is working properly since there is no way that Professor Snape could be our fathers as well."

"An excellent idea Ms. Granger, five points to Gryffindor," the Headmaster praised while Snape sneered at her with dislike etched in his face.

"Very well then, I want you children to stand over by the beds while I cast the charm first on Severus," Madam Pomfrey commanded. "Then I will cast the second part on all three of you in turn. The charm is completely painless and will only show up in the colors that you will be projecting while you are being tested."

Everyone nodded and moved away from the nurse and Snape, while cast the paternity charm on him. For a moment his whole body was covered in a putrid yellow color and then it vanished again.

Turning to the three Gryffindors, she then asked, "Who's going first?"

Hermione looked to the other two and said, "I will."

The school nurse muttered under her breath and Hermione turned a bright emerald green color. She went to Harry next and then he two turned a bright emerald green. Lastly Ron was tested and he was a dull shimmering orange color.

Satisfied that the charm was accurately performed the school nurse smiled and turned to the waiting Potions Master. "Well Severus, I think congratulations are in order."

Snape groaned and pulled out a brand new bottle of fire whiskey. He pulled the cork out and flung his head back taking in a great gulp of it, while Dumbledore stood there with his eyes twinkling in merriment.

"You have two fine children whom anyone would be proud of."

"TWO?" everyone cried at once.

"Yes, Mr. Potter and Miss Granger are both your children."

Snape fell to the floor and took the bottle and up ended it and poured a good quarter of it into this mouth. Apparently trying to get as drunk as he could.

"Oh Harry, you're my brother," cried Hermione in outrage. "Do you know what that means?"

Taking the girl into his arms, Harry cradled her to his chest and cooed, "Its okay, I will love you no matter what. It doesn't matter at all, we can still be together."

Breaking away from Harry, Hermione screams, "NO IT'S NOT ALRIGHT! Don't you understand what we've done? We've committed incest."

"INCEST?" snapped Snape in outrage. "No children of mine will commit incest."

"Does that mean you want to be our daddy?" Harry asked hopefully.

"**ARRRRGGGGGHHHH**!" howled Snape and he bolted from the room with his whiskey bottle in hand.

Laughing the Headmaster hands Harry another small bag of galleons. "It seems, I've underestimated you once again Harry."

Smiling, Harry pocketed the small bag and said, "Next time, I say we convince him that McGonagall is his mother."

To Be Continued … Please Read and Review


	3. Snape's Mother

_Author's Note: For those of you whop don't know, my home computer was recently attached by a nasty something from the internet and the hard drive crashed, taking everything I had outlined for this story and the last chapter of the Severus Snape Parody and a brand new one I was working on. So my boyfriend Mark replaced the hard drive, but it just wasn't the same and didn't work right. So now I have a brand spanking new computer. So hopefully I will be able to post new chapters again. Now I have to try and remember what I was going to do in the upcoming chapters. _

**Chapter Three: Snape's Mother**

"Severus?"

Snape looked up from the floor of the corridor deep in the dungeons where he had fallen some time ago in a drunken stupor and had never bothered to get back up again. Seeing that it was the deputy headmistress approaching he merely grunted and returned to looking down again.

"Severus," Professor McGonagall admonished, "This is no way for a Hogwarts teacher to behave, especially during the school year. Get up immediately and let's get you to your quarters."

Not bothering to answer her, Snape attempted to get up, but after consuming so much Firewhiskey, he was finding it difficult to comply with her request.

"Oh for Merlin's sake," she said. "Let me help you." Then she pulled out her wand and cast, moblicorpus charm on him, which caused him to float along with her to his rooms.

x-x-x-x-x

A short time later, Severus Snape found himself sitting in one of his winged back chairs in front of his hearth with a strong mug of coffee being pressed into his hands by the Transfiguration teacher.

"Now, Severus, I understand that some congratulations are in order."

Snape just scowled at her in silence.

She ignored him and pressed on. "You know Severus; they are both good hearted people. Anyone would be proud to have them as their children."

"You can have them," he muttered to her darkly.

"I don't deserve children, not after what I've done to my own," she muttered in return, but he heard it anyway.

After taking a sip of the steaming drink, Snape said nastily, "Oh what great tragedy have you bestowed upon these mythical children?"

Taking a seat across from him she said with a sour look on her face, "Not children, just one child. A son that I had from an affair with an older gentleman I know. Back in those days, a witch wasn't allowed to have a child on her own and I was forced to give the child up for adoption with a pureblood family."

Snape arched an eyebrow.

"You see Severus, that family who took my beautiful little boy in did very bad things to him and treated him awful and I can never forgive myself what I've done to him."

"And just whom was this mysterious older gentleman?" Snape asked silkily.

"Cannot you not guess?"

"The Headmaster?"

McGonagall was silent but nodded in the affirmative.

"Why didn't Albus marry you then?"

However, before she could respond a knock came at the dungeon door and in walked the Headmaster with a twinkle in his eye. "My ears are ringing, someone must be talking about me," he said cheerfully.

"Yes Albus we were," McGonagall said. "I was just telling him about the baby."

Looking slightly worried, Dumbledore said, "Are you certain you should Minerva? Severus has had a terrible shock today, twice."

"I think its best to get these things out into the open, it's been far too long and it may help everyone in the long run."

Dumbledore nodded sagely and turned to a confused looking Potions Master and said, "You see Severus, the child Minerva is referring to was you."

"**WHAT?"**

"Yes, my dear boy, we are your parents."

Before anyone else could say a word, Severus' mug of coffee lay spilt on the floor and he was racing to the nearest loo to empty the contents of his stomach.

Chuckling, Albus Dumbledore stepped over and grabbed an invisibility cloak off of Harry Potter and said, "You're not the only one who is adept in pulling pranks." Then he held out his hand.

Smiling Harry said, "So it would seem," and handed back to two bags of galleons that he had gotten earlier in the day.

The Headmaster stood with his blue eyes twinkling merrily.

The End!

_This is the end of the Severus Snape Parody; I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have._


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